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A    Travesty    Without    a    1  *cn 


HAMLET   REVAMPED 


i88d 


A  Travesty  Without  a  Pun! 


HAMLET     REVAMPED, 


MODERNIZED, 


AND   SET   TO   MUSIC. 


BT  THE   AUTHOR    OF  "ROMEO   AND   JULIET.' 


ST.    LOUIS: 
G.  I.  JONES    AND   COMPANY. 

1880. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1879,  by 

CHARLES  C.  SOULE, 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


Notice.— This  Travesty  is  copyrighted  as  a  play,  and  is  private  property.  Per- 
mission to  act  it  may  be  had,  under  certain  conditions,  from  the  publishers,  Messrs. 
G.  I.  Jones  &  Co.,  St.  Louis. 


CHARACTERS. 


Tin:  Ghost  of  Hamlet,  King  of  Denmark. 

The  Ghost's  Voice. 

Hamlet,  the  Ghost's  son,  a  student. 

Horatio,  a  student,  Hamlet's  chum. 

Poloxius,  a  Professor  in  Wittenburgh  University. 

Claudius,  brother  to  the  Ghost. 

Gertrude,  Queen  of  Denmark. 

Ophelia,  daughter  of  Prof.  Polouius. 

Students  of  Wittenburgh  University,  as  Chorus. 

Seven  Old  Ladies  of  the  Court. 


COSTUMES. 


Thk  Ghost,  all  white;— white  beaver  hat,  white  dress-suit;  white 
gloves,  socks,  and  shoes;    white  umbrella;  whitened  face. 

The  Voice,  —  an  exact  counterpart  of  the  Ghost,  —  all  in  black. 

The  others,  as  in'the  original  play,  without  extravagance  or  bur- 
lesque, except  perhaps  in  the  parts  of  the  Queen,  Polonius, 
and  the  Seven  Old  Ladies. 

The  Students  wear  costumes  of  courtiers  in  the  original  play,  with 
modern  standing-collars,  brilliant  neckties,  and  eye-glasses. 


M119536 


"HAMLET." 


ACT    I. 


[Boom  of  Hamlet  and  Horatio  at  Wittenhurgh  University.  Walls  adorned 
rvith  pictures,  oars,  foils,  and  boxing-gloves.  Table,  centre',  books  and 
large  dictionaries  on  other  tables  and  shelves.  Hamlet,  Hokatio,  and 
Students.] 

Air — "Sparkling  and  Bright." 

Chorus —  Happy  and  free  should  a  student  be, 

With  all  his  life  before  him  ; 
With  friends  to  share  each  joy  and  care, 

And  the  college  roof-tree  o'er  him. 
Then  laugh  along  with  jest  and  song, 

Old  Care  may  catch  us  later; 
In  chorus  gay  our  tribute  pay 

To  dear  old  Alma  Mater. 

All  pastimes  light  our  hearts  delight, — 

We  shun  their  dark  excesses; 
He  knows  the  best  of  manhood's  zest 

Whom  temperate  pleasure  blesses. 
Then  laugh  along  with  jest  and  song, 

Old  Care  may  catch  us  later; 
In  chorus  gay  our  tribute  pay 

To  dear  old  Alma  Mater. 


Horatio —   Well,  boys,  what  next?     The  gloves  once  more? 
What  sprightly  boxer  wants  the  floor? 
Or  what  lithe  fencer's  temper  boils 
Again  to  try  the  bending  foils? 
What  say  you,  Hamlet?,    Pray  devise 
Some  new  phase  for  our  revelries. 
You  must  not  idly  stand  aside! 
How  can  the  hours  of  eventide 
Be  made  more  merrily  to  glide? 


6  "HAMLET." 

Come,  now !  suggest  a  recreation 
Novel  and  nice,  —  some  new  sensation! 
Something  to  make  these  "  sad  hearts  "  light, 
These  "  pale,  wan  faces  "  bright  and  ruddy. 

Hamlet —    Well,  if  you  force  me  to  decide, 

There's  one  thing  you  have  rarely  tried, 
Which  could  not  be  considered  trite. 

Horatio  —   What  can  it  be  ? 

Hamlet —  A  little  study! 

Horatio —    Ha,  ha  !  well  said!     But,  Hamlet,  why, 
Joking  aside,  your  cold  and  shy 
Estrangement  from  your  class  and  friends? 
What  care  oppresses  or  impends? 


Hamlet  - 
Chorus - 


Air—  "One  Fish-Ball." 

You  know  how  late  my  father  died,  — 
Domestic  broils  and  suicide? 
We  know  how  late  your  father  died,  — ■ 
Domestic  broils  and  suicide. 


Hamlet  ■ 
Chorus- 


And  ere  my  mother's  tears    are  dried, 
She  wants  again  to  be  a  bride. 
And  ere  your  mother's  tears  are  dried, 
She  wants  again  to  be  a  bride. 


Hamlet  ■ 
Choiiis- 

Hamlet- 
Chorus - 


I  can't  decide  what  I  should  do; 
Especially  how  I  am  to — 
You  can't  decide  what  you  should  do; 
Especially  how  you  are  to — 

Dress  for  the  part  I  play,  in  sooth,— 
Like  Fechler  or  like  Edwin  Booth! 
Dress  for  the  part  you  play,  in  sooth,  - 
Like  Fechter  or  like  Edwin  Booth! 


Horatio 


Hamlet  - 
Horatio  ■ 


You've  dressed  it  right.     If  that  is  all, 
Von  may  as  well  discard  }Tour  pall. 
Not  so! 

What,  still  disconsolate? 
Your  heart  must  bear  some  fearful  weight 
What  is  there,  man,  to  make  you  blue? 
You're  on  the  Nine,  you're  in  the  Crew, 
You've  pulled  examinations  through. 
What  more  could  any  man  desire? 
But  stay!     There's  one  consuming  fire! 


Air 


"HAMLET." 


"Nelly  was  a  Lady." 


Horatio —  Why  were  we  all  so  blind  and  stupid? 

His  is  the  universal  smart, — 
One  more  envenomed  shaft  from  Cupid 
Burns  in  our  brother  Hamlet's  heart. 
■Chorus —  The  worst  kind  of  worry 

This  earth  above, 
Is,  to  be  consumedly 
And  hopelessly  in  love !  [Bepeat. 

Horatio —  Ah  well!  deride  him  who  shall  dare  to? 

That  is  the  student's  tender  place. 
Each  one  of  us  may  soon  be  there,  too, 
Smashed  on  some  sweet  seductive  face. 
Chorus  —  The  worst  kind  of  worry 

This  earth  above, 
Is,  to  be  consumedly 
And  hopelessly  in  love.  [Bepeat. 

Horatio  —    Cheer  up,  good  friend !     Through  all  mishaps, 
Count  on  us  sympathetic  chaps. 
Whatever  you  attempt  to  do 
We  will  join  in,  and  put  you  through: 
Hejp  you  in  love,  help  you  in  hate, 
Be  fortune  smiling  or  untoward, 
Through  favoring  or  through  adverse  fate. 
Our  solemn  vow  we  thus  record. 

Air  —  "Mihi  est  Pkopositum." 

KJhorus  —  [in  unison'] 

If  you  ever  need  our  aid, 

We  will  surely  lend  it. 
Meet  the  trouble  undismayed, — ■ 

With  our  help  you'll  end  it. 
Face  your  cares  with   manly  cheer, 

For,  whate'er  betide  you, 
On  the  instant,  never  fear, 

We'll  be  there  beside  vou. 


Hamlet —    I'm  poor  in  all  but  thanks ;  in  these 

I  richly  meet  your  sympathies. 

When  dangers  fall  or  sorrows  rise, 

Your  aid  I  shall  expect,  and  prize. 
Horatio —    Meanwhile,  forget  your  dismal  role, 

And  drown  your  sorrows  in  the  bowl. 

Bring  forth  the  punch!         [A punch-bowl  is  set  on  table,  centre. 


8  "HAMLET." 

We'll  drink  a  toast:  — 
To  Hamlet,  —  classmate,  friend,  and  host!  [Knocks. 

That  awful  knock !  the  faculty ! 
Conceal  these  signs  of  revelry, 
Throw  gloves  and  foils  behind  the  chairs ; 

The  glasses  hide  beneath  the  table  ! 
The  pipes,  tobacco —    No,  who  cares? 

Don't  make  a  noise  so  much  like  Babel! 
Pile  lexicons,  in  careless  bunch, 
Above,  round,  the  bowl  of  punch ! 
Each  take  a  book,  and  when  they  speak, 
Appear  absorbed  in  learning  Greek! 

Air  —  March  from  Norma. 

Chorus —  Oh  alpha  beta  gamma  delta, 

With  an  epsilon  zeta  eta  theta, 

Eta  theta  —  eta  theta. 
Iota  kappa  lambda  inn  nu  omikron 
With  pi  rho  sigma  tau  upsilon, 
With  pi  rho  sigma  tau  upsilon 
With  pi  rho  sigma  tau  upsilon 
With  phi  chi  psi  and  o-meg-a ! 

[During  this  verse,  enter  Queen,  Ophelia,  Claudius,  and  Polonius,  who 
march  around  the  room  in  silent  surprise.  Chorus  repeated  softly^  and 
meantime  the  following  dialogue  occurs.'] 

Polonius  —  Young  gentlemen,  behold  the  queen! 
Claudius  —  Why  don't  they  speak?    What  can  they  mean? 
Polonius  —  Dear  lads!  they  are  industrious! 

Excuse,  my  lieiie  illustrious — 
Queen —      We  won't!     How  dare  they  thus  try  us? 

We'll  rouse  them!     Shoo!      Aha,  aha!! 

[Pokes  with  her  parasol.     The  last  "«/in"  is  timed  with 
the  end  of  the  chorus.     Students  start,  and  all  kneel. 
Horatio —   Your  majesty,  we  kneel  before  you! 
Queen  —      Has  consciousness  at  length  come  o'er  you? 

Prefer  that  Greek  to  us?     Aha! 

We'll  teach  you,  youngsters,  who  we  are. 

Professor  P.,  expel  them  all!- 


.    "HAMLET." 

Polonius  —  Perpend — 

Queen —  Expel  them! 

Horatio  —  I  will  call 

Your  son  to  testify  that  we — 
Queen —       Expel!     Expel! 
Polonius —  Most  reverently 

I  crave  your  majesty  to  cool 

Your  ire — 
Queen —  Expel  yourself,  you  fool! 

Ophelia  —  [aside  to  Queen] 

Such  rage,  clear  madam,  spoils  your  beauty. 
Polonius — [aside  to  Queen"] 

We  need  the  lads  for  household  duty. 
Queen —      Ahem!  we  change  our  royal  mind: 
We  will  forgive.     But  recollect, 

We  generally  should  be  inclined 
With  death  to  punish  disrespect! 

Air — "  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands." 

Queen —  In  me  you  see  a  sovereignty 

Of  most  unusual  potency, 
About  as  pure  as  pure  can  be  : 
I  am  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 

Chorus —  In  her  you  see  a  sovereignty 

Of  most  unusual  potency,  • 

About  as  pure  as  pure  can  be: 
She  is  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 


Chorus  — 


If  you  should  hear  my  whisper  mere, 
Ami  fail  to  heed,  obey,  and  revere, 
You'd  better  prepare  your  shroud  and  bier, 
For  I'm  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 
If  we  should  hear  her  whisper  mere, 
And  fail  to  heed,  obey,  and  revere, 
We'd  better  prepare  our  shroud  and  bier, 
For  she's  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 


Queen —  Whenever  I  come,  stand  right  up  plumb, 

And  keep  your  learned  lingo  mum, 
Or  I'll  have  you  wolloped  until  you're  numb; 
I  am  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 

Chorus —  Whenever  she  comes,  stand  right  up  plumb, 

And  keep  our  learned  lingo  mum, 
Or  she'll  have  us  wolloped  until  we're  numb; 
She  is  absolute  queen  of  Denmark! 


10  "HAMLET.'" 

Queen —      So  this  is  Hamlet's  college  den;  — 
I've  never  seen  the  place  before. 
Hamlet,  Horatio,  gentlemen, 

With  your  permission,  I'll  explore. 
Claudius,  your  arm  ;  Polonius, 
Come  on,  and  point  things  out  for  us. 

[Queen,  Claudius,  and  Polonius  retire. 

Air — "Gum-Tree  Canoe." 

Hamlet —     Oh,  beautiful  maiden,  give  ear  to  the  prayers 

Of  one  who  would  utter  far  more  than  he  dares; 
The  accents  of  prudence  seem  feeble  and  tame, 
When  the  brain  is  all  fire  and  the  heart  all  aflame. 

Chorus —    For  language  is  lame,  and  prudence  seems  tame, 
When  the  brain  is  all  Are  and  the  heart  all  aflame. 

Ophelia  —    I  would  list  if  I  dared,  but  a  guard  must  I  keep 

O'er  the  depths  of  the  heart  where  an  answer  may  sleep  ; 
For  the  lips  of  a  maid  must  be  certain  and  slow, 
Lest  they  burden  her  life  with  regret  and  with  woe. 

Chorus —     Her  "  yes  "  or  her  "  no  "  must  be  certain  and  slow, 
Lest  they  burden  her  life  with  regret  and  with  woe. 

[Queen,  Claudius,  and  Hamlet  come  forward.] 

Queen —       Hamlet,  the  pictures  on  your  wall, 
Sense,  taste,  propriety  appall ; 
The  atmosphere  is  dense  with  smoke  — 
I  must  depart  before  I  choke. 
Claudius,  announce  our  wishes!     Hold! 
This  audience  should  first  be  told 
We  have  appointed,  through  our  reign, 
Polonius  royal  chamberlain ; 
But  since  on  idiocy  he  borders, 

And  we  require,  in  governing, 
A  man  to  execute  our  orders, 

Claudius  will  serve  as  brevet  king. 
Hamlet  —  [aside] 

Shade  of  my  father! 
Queen —  Claudius,  tell 

These  boys,  who  study  Greek  so  closely, 
What  purposes  this  call  impel. 

Don't  string  the  tale  out  too  verbosely. 


"HAMLET."  11 

Air  — ' '  Eory  0 '  Moore  .' ' 

Claudius  —  Our  ancient,  inveterate  foe,  Fortinbas, 

Has  a  fiery  young  son,  who's  an  obstinate  ass. 

He  has  sharked  up  a  crew  on  the  Norwegian  shore,  — 

A  crew  of  wild  rogues,  —  to  attack  us  once  more. 

To  conquer  this  foe,  ere  he  start  on  his  way, 

We  have  sent  our  battalions  all  off  to  the  fray; 

We've  mustered  our  servants,  we've  armed  e'en  the  band, 

And  there  isn't  a  grown-up  man  left  in  the  land. 

Chorus —    To  conquer  this  foe,  ere  he  start  on  his  way, 

They've  sent  their  battalions  all  off  to  the  fray; 

They've  mustered  their  servants,  they've  armed  e'en  the  band, 

And  there  isn't  a  grown-up  man  left  in  the  land. 

Claudius  —  The  clanger  so  deadly  and  imminent  seemed, 

That  we  thought,  till  the  land  should  be  surely  redeemed, 

The  guards  of  our  household,  our  bravest  and  best, 

Must  go  to  the  army  along  with  the  rest. 

And  so,  as  the  palace  is  wholly  unmanned, 

Your  time  and  your  service  we've  come  to  demand. 

We  summon  all  Wittenburgh  boys  as  cadets; 

You  must  up  and  away,  for  we  take  no  regrets ! 
Chorus —    And  so,  as  the  palace  is  wholly  unmanned, 

Our  time  and  our  service  they've  come  to  demand. 

They  summon  all  Wittenburgh  boys  as  cadets ; 

We  must  up  and  away,  for  they  take  no  regrets ! 

Horatio  —   I'm  not  quite  sure  we  understand. 

You  want  us  to  defend  the  land? 
Claudius —  Substantially;  that  is,  I  mean. 

To  guard  the  palace  and  protect  the  queen. 
Horatio —  As  household  guards? 
Claudius  —  You  have  it  pat ! 

Horatio  —   We'd  like  more  warlike  work  than  that. 
Queen —      For  shame!     To  students,  that  is  glory! 

"Decorum,"  pro  regina,  "  mori!  " 

Translate,  Polonius ! 
Polonius —  Yes:  decorum, 

A  neuter  adjective ;  stands  for —  hum ! 
Queen —       Well,  well!  for  what? 
Polonius —  Its  meanings  vary; 

Let  me  consult  a  dictionary. 

Here's  one  at  hand.  [Baises  book,  and  discloses  punch. 

Perpend!  what's  this? 
.  A  punch !     What  roystering  deviltries 

Are  here  afloat!     Your  majesty, 

Such  youthful  sin  is  sad  to  see. 


12  "HAMLET." 

When  we  approached,  they  hid  their  rum 

And  feigned  Greek  alphabets  to  hum! 

Expel  them  now!     I  drop  a  tear — 
Queen —      Drop  it!  and  bring  a  glassful  here! 
Polonius  —  Of  punch?     'Tis  poison! 
Queen  —  Take  a  glass 

Yourself,  and  one  to  Claudius  pass. 

We'll  try  your  liquid  Greek,  my  lads. — 

It's  very  nice;  indeed  it  glads 

Onr  heart  with  such  a  generous  fire 

We  will  abate  our  former  ire. 

Ere  we  take  leave,  let  some  one  raise 

A  song  in  this  decoction's  praise. 

Air —  "  L'  AMOUK,  L'  amour." 

Horatio —  Bring  good  old  eau  de  vie 

And  mix  a  temperate  toddy, 
Bring  pipes  and  Latakia 
For  every  merry  body  ; 
For  pipes  and  punch  are  capital  company. 
Chorus —  For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 

For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
Are  capital  company. 

Horatio —  So  let  the  jorum  pa^s, 

Ami  let  the  smoke-wreaths  hover! 
We  drink  to  wife  or  lass 
The  pledge  of  tender  lover; 
For  pipes  and  punch  are  capital  company. 
Chorus —  For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 

For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
Are  capital  company. 

Horatio — ■  While  pipes  and  punch  shall  last, 

Be  free  with  song  ami  laughter; 
Reck  nut  of  what  is  past, 

Nor  what  may  hap  hereafter: 
For  pipes  and  punsh  are  capital  company. 
Chorus —  For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 

For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
For  pipes  and  punch,  tra  la  la  la  la, 
Are  capital  company. 

Polonius —  May't  please  your  majesty,  I  erred. 
My  judgment  was  absurdly  weak. 
I  sec  I  ought  to  have  preferred 

"Tra,"  pipes  and  punch,  "la  la,"  to  Greek. 


HAMLET."  13 


But  let  me  venture  to  suggest,  — 

Despite  the  charms  of  Bacchic  song, — 

For  time  we're  just  a  trifle  pressed. 
Hadn't  we  better  trot  along? 
Queen —      What  is  the  next  up-traln? 
Polonius —  Nine  twenty; 

'Tis  now  eight  fifty-seven. 
Queen —  Plenty 

Of  time,  but  none  to  spare.     We'll  go! 
Polonius  —  Fall  in  ! 
Hamlet —  And  forward  to  the  foe! 

Air—  "Suoxi  la  Tkomba." 

Hamlet —  On  to  the  wars,  0  brothers  bold, 

Hark  lo  the  battle-cry  resounding! 
Cast  in  the  old  heroic  mould; 

Our  hearts  with  courage  bounding. 
\_softly~]  While  we  are  gone,  we  all  shall  be 

Lecture  and  recitation-free. 
[with  spirit]  On  to  the  wars!  our  battle-cry, 
Denmark  and  victory ! 
Chorus —  While  we  are  gone,  we  all  shall  be 

Lecture  and  recitation-free. 
On  to  the  wars!   our  battle-cry 
Denmark  and  victory ! 

CURTAIN. 


14 


"HAMLET." 


ACT    II. 


[Platform   of  the  castle   at  Elsinore.     Night. 

iceapons.~] 


Students   on  guard,   with 


Air  —  "On  ye  Gallant  Company." 

Quartette —  What  a  gallant  guard  are  we 

To  sleeping  Elsinore ! 
Come,  ye  lurking  enemy, 
And  welter  in  your  gore ! 

Chorus  —  Tramp,  tramp :  watch  with  care. 

Hark!     Halt!     Who  goes  there? 
Countersign  at  once  declare, 
Or  no  step  further  dare ! 
We  may  write  our  names  in  glory, 
Hand  them  down  in  Danish  story. 
Who  would  not  a  soldier  be,  soldier  be,  soldier  be,  - 
Who  would  not  a  soldier  be  in  Elsinore? 

Quartette  —  Pace  along  the  castle  wall, 

And  watch  the  palace  gate ; 
Nought  our  courage  can  appall, 
Our  fortitude  abate. 

Chorus —  Tramp,  tramp;  watch  with  care. 

Hark!     Halt!     Who  goes  there? 
Countersign  at  once  declare, 
Or  no  step  further  dare ! 
We  may  write  our  names  in  glory, 
Hand  them  down  in  Danish  story. 
Who  would  not  a  soldier  be,  soldier  be,  soldier  be, 
Who  would  not  a  soldier  be  in  Elsinore? 

Hamlet —    Attention,  guard!     Break  ranks,  and  rest! 
This  duty  puts  us  to  the  test. 
'Tis  fun  to  go  through  dress-parade, 

And  drill  or  guard  may  do  by  daylight; 
But  midnight  watch,  I  am  afraid, 

Cannot  be  viewed  in  any  gay  light. 
Horatio,  shall  you  stay  with  us? 
Horatio  —       Ell  wait  awhile  :   my  tour  is  ended, 
But  I  am  very  curious 

To  see  again  the  thing  we  men  did 
Who  watched  last  eve. 


HAMLET." 


15 


Hamlet —  What,  northern  light? 

Horatio —   A  much  more  supernatural  sight 

We  saw,  while  standing  at  our  post. 
Hamlet—    What  was  it? 
Horatio  —  'Twas  ;i  ghost! 

Hamlet —  A  ghost? 

Air —  "  Mistletoe  Bough." 

Horatio —    As  I  paced  to  and  fro,  in  the  depth  of  the  night, 
A  spectre  approached  me,  apparelled  in  white ; 
It  looked  like  a  corpse,  and  it  smelt  like  a  cellar, 
And  it  pointed  at  me  with  a  ghostly  umbrella! 

Chorus —         Tenors  —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost! 
Basses  —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost! 

■Horatio —    Although  I  was  certainly  not  quite  undaunted, 
I  mustered  up  courage  to  ask  what  it  wanted. 
Without  any  answer,  the  taciturn  feller 
Fled,  brandishing  wildly  his  ghostly  umbrella. 
Chorus —         Tenors  —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost ! 
Basses  —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost! 

Horatio —   I  started  to  follow,  but  stopped  in  my  traces, 

Repelled  by  the  spectre's  outrageous  grimaces; 
And  warned  by  a  much  more  convincing  repeller 
In  the  shape  of  its  ghostly  uplifted  umbrella. 

Chorus —         Tenors  —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost! 
Basses  - —  Oh,  what  a  singular  ghost ! 

Hamlet —    What  time  was  this? 

Horatio  —  Just  after  taps. 

Hamlet—    What  looked  it  like? 

Horatio  —  Like  all  such  chaps. 

Hamlet —    No  trifling!     Whom  did  it  resemble? 

Horatio —    Well,  if  I  must,  its  toot  ensemble 

(Excuse  my  French)  suggested  rather 
The  likeness  —  of  your  noble  father! 

Hamlet —     'Twas  he,  —  the  author  of  my  being! 

What  great  events  this  chance  may  hinge  on! 
Yet  if  'twere  but  a  trick  of  seeing? 
Is't  really  true? 

Horatio —  Yes,  honest  Indian! 

Hamlet —     When  did  you  see  this  apparition? 

Horatio —   At  taps,  I  said. 

Hamlet —  What  time  is't  now? 


16 


HAMLET." 


Horatio  —   It  verges  on  the  hour,  I  trow.  — 
Hark  to  our  vespertine  musician! 

[Infantry  tap*,  according  to  "Hardee's  Tactics," 
heard  faintly  in  distance. 

Air  —  "  Infantry  Taps." 

Chorus —  Hear  the  clear  and  mellow  vesper  bugle! 

Day,  with  all  its  cares,  is  o'er. 
All  the  weary  world  is  wrapped  in  slumber;  — 

Silence  reigns  in  Elsinore  !  [Repeat  softly. 

What  noise  is  that? 


Hamlet  - 
Horatio  — 
Hamlet  — 
Horatio  — 


A  creaking  vane. 
Listen! 

'Tis  but  the  frog's  refrain. 
Hamlet —     What  breath  comes  wild  and  chill  and  harsh? 
Horatio —    Only  a  vapor  from  the  marsh. 

Air — "Come,  Come,  Come."     (Tyrolese  Evening  Hymn.') 

Chorus —  List,  list,  list! 

The  sky  hangs  dense  and  black: 
The  storm-cloud's  fearful  wrack 

Trails  down  in  ghostly  mist, 
Like  a  lifeless  soul  come  back. 
As  the  night  grows  dank  and  drear, 

The  trembling  breeze  is  still : 
There  is  doubt  and  dread  and  fear 

In  its  more  than  mortal  chill. 

Hark,  hark,  hark ! 
What  sounds  from  yawning  tombs 

Come  creeping  through  the  dark! 
The  midnight  ghoul  exhumes 

His  cv.  iv  of  corpses  stark. 
Their  phantom  arms  shall  wave, 

Their  ghastly  eyes  shall  glare; 
While  the  odors  of  the  -rave 

Weigh  down  the  shuddering  air! 

Hamlet —     A  horrid  fear  my  heart  benumbs! 

Horatio,  look!     It  conies  —  it  comes! 

[Enter  Ghost,  waving  umbrella.'} 


Aii 


"Bonny  Duxdke 


Horatio —       Yes,  that  is  the  ghost  I  encountered  last  night, 
With  dress-coat  and  beaver  and  parasol  white. 
His  pallid  appearance  deprives  us  of  breath. 
My  teeth  are  a-chatter,  — I'm  frightened  to  deathl 


"HAMLET." 


17 


Chorus —        Yes,  that  is  the  ghost  he  encountered  last  night, 
With  dress-coat  and  beaver  and  parasol  white. 
His  pallid  appearance  deprives  me  of  breath. 
Our  teeth  are  a-chatter,  —  we're  frightened  to  death! 

Horatio  —    Speak  to  it,  Hamlet ! 

Hamlet —  I  implore, 

Whether  thou  art  in  mischief  shammed, 

A  spirit  of  health,  or  goblin  damned, 

Speak,  questionable  shape ! 
Ghost —  You  swore 

At  your  poor  old  dead  father,  son  ! 
Hamlet —     W_at  shall  we  do?  what  have  we  done? 

[Ghost  steps  forward,  clears  his  throat,  but  retires 
and  beckons.     Voice   enters,  waving  umbrella. 

Air  —  "  Boxxy  Dundee." 

Horatio —        Look  yonder!  another,  the  twin  of  the  first, 
But  clad  all  in  black,  like  a  spirit  accursed. 
I'm  scared  at  these  spectres  of  soot  and  of  snow: 
Good-bye  for  the  present,  —  I'm  going  to  go! 

Chorus —        Look  yonder!  another,  the  twin  of  the  first, 
But  clad  all  in  black  like  a  spirit  accursed; 
We're  scared  at  these  spectres  of  soot  and  of  snow: 
Good-bye  for  the  present,  —  we're  going  to  go! 

Hamlet —     Remain,  my  friends ;  but  yesterday 

You  vowed  to  help  me  in  my  need, 

And  noAV  you  leave  me? 
Horatio —  No  indeed! 

We're  badly  frightened,  but  we'll  stay. 
Hamlet  —     His  beaver  slowly  back  he  tips ; 

To  speak  he  opes  those  awful  lips ! 


Air 


Champagne  Charley." 


[Voice  sings.     Ghost  gestures. 


Ghost  and  Voice — I  am  a  ghost,  but  still  not  proud; 

I'm  affably  inclined. 
Although  I  might  distrust  this  crowd, 

I'll  not,  but  "go  it  blind." 
And  first,  you  ought  to  understand 

I'm  not  unknown  to  fame  ; 
I  used  to  lord  it  in  this  land,  — 

Hamlet  Senior  is  my  name ! 
Chorus —  Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name! 

Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name! 


18 


HAMLET." 


And  first,  we  ought  to  understand, 
He  used  to  lord  it  in  this  land,  — 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name  ! 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name ! 
He  used  to  lord  it  in  this  land,  — 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name ! 

Ghost  and  Voice  —  Last  New  Year's  Eve,  a  friend  and  I 
Went  out  to  take  a  stroll ; 
A  charming  man,  I  don't  deny, 

A  nobly  loyal  soul : 
But  still,  he  pushed  me  in  the  river 

To  help  his  little  game  ; 
The  recollection  makes  me  shiver ! 

Hamlet  Senior  is  my  name !  * 

Chorus  —  Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name ! 

Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name  ! 
But  still  he  pushed  him  in  the  river; 
The  recollection  makes  us  shiver ! 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name ! 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name! 
The  recollection  makes  us  shiver! 
Hamlet  Senior  is  his  name ! 

Hamlet  —     A  shocking  tale,  —  it  makes  me  pale  ; 

To  speak  my  feelings  words  all  fail, 

But  look !  see  how  he  waves  his  hand ! 

What  now?  what  is  thy  dread  command? 

How  on  the  eye  the  motious  linger 

Of  that  inimitable  finger ! 

How  preternaturally  astute 

The  language  of  that  parachute ! 

And  still,  I  do  not  catch  your  drift ; 

I  know  my  intellect's  not  swift: 

Do  you  desire  my  friends  to  go? 
Horatio —   Come,  boys,  we  seom  to  be  de  trop. 

Please  cut  it  short,  respected  spectre ! 

The  wind  outside' s  a  keen  dissector. 

[Exeunt  Houatio  and  Students. 
Ghost —       I  am  thy  father's  spirit! 
Hamlet —  You  o'ercome 

My  heart  with  fear! 
Ghost —  And  yet,  a  "hum!  " 

Hamlet—    What  say? 
Ghost  —  Do  you  think  my  rendition 

Successful,  of  an  apparition? 
Hamlet —    Yes,  you're  a  genuine  ghost! 


HAMLET." 


19 


Ghost —  I'm  set  up 

By  praise  of  such  a  simple  get-up. 

Hamlet —     Get-up?     What  mean  you? 

Ghost —  Why,  to  cite 

D.  Webster,  I  am  not  dead  —  (pate  ! 

Hamlet —     Not  dead,  and  not  my  parent? 

Ghost  —  Yes, 

I  am  your  father,  but  not  dead! 
This  little  riddle,  can  you  guess? 

Hamlet —        Explain!     I  must  have  lost  my  head! 

Ghost —       Why,  when  I  tumbled  in  the  river, 

I  floundered  down  the  whirling  tide, 
And  boatmen,  hooking  to  my  side, 
My  dripping  body  did  deliver. 

Hamlet —     Alive? 

Ghost —  Yes,  fished  me  up  all  right. 

Hamlet  —     Your  nose  is  pale,  —  your  hair  is  white ;  — 
They  turned  at  once,  of  course,  from  fright? 

Ghost —       Oh,  no!  — my  nose  is  red  as  ever; 

My  hair,  an  auburn,  silvered ;  —  clever 
Disguise,  ain't  it?     In  savage  humor, 
I  hied,  all  wet,  to  a  costumer ; 
Practised  two  months  a  ghostly  stalk ; 
And  now,  got  up  with  duck  and  chalk, 
I  have  returned,  revenge  to  win 
Upon  the  friend  who  pushed  me  in. 

Hamlet —     Who  pushed  you  in? 

Ghost —  Your  uncle  Claud! 

Hamlet  —     0  my  prophetic  soul !  that  fraud?  — 
But  who's  this  friend? 

Ghost —  The  chap  in  black? 

You  know  I  never  had  the  knack 
Of  time  or  tune ;  —  I  cannot  sing ; 
And  deeming  melody  a  thing 
A  thoughtful  ghost  might  aptly  bring 
To  lend  revenge  a  deeper  sting, 
I  hired,  attired,  and  brought  along 
This  gifted  Celtic  son  of  sons;. 


20 


'HAMLET." 


Voice  — 
Ghost  — 


Hamlet  — 
Ghost  — 


The  contrast  mark :  his  pi'esence  sooty 
Serves  to  enhance  my  pure  blonde  beauty! 
Patrick,  when  I  this  signal  make, 
Toot  up !     At  other  times,  keep  still. 
i"  will  the  conversation  take ; 
You  stick  to  song! 

Bedad,  I  will. 
And  now,  my  son,  although  yet  living, 
I  have  no  notion  of  forgiving. 
I  seek  r-r-revenge ! 

Alas,  poor  ghost! 
You'll  help  me  make  the  rascal  roast? 


Air  —  "  Father,  Dear  Father." 

Hamlet—  Father,  dear  father,  just  give  me  the  word; 

My  uncle  I'll  thoroughly  thrash! 
He's  older  and  bigger,  but  when  I  am  stirred 
I  can  whip  him,  I  fancy,  to  dash! 

Ghost  and  Voice — ■ 

Hear  the  brave  voice  of  my  child, 

Which  the  night-winds  repeat  as  they  roam ! 

But  simulate  calmness,  — be  silent  and  mild,  — 

Till  I'm  ready;  then,  Hamlet,  strike  home! 


Duet  — 


Strike  home !  strike  home !  strike  home  ! 
Then,  Hamlet,  —  then,  Hamlet,  strike  home ! 


[Bepeat. 


[Enter  Students,  cautiously .] 


Horatio  —   Ahem ! 
Ghost  — 
Horatio  — 


Ahem  yourself  ! 

Ahem ! ! 

Our  coming  back  pray  don't  condemn. 
We  wouldn't  for  the  world  intrude, 
But  Boreas,  outside,  is  rude ; 
An  eager  and  a  nipping  air 
Bites  through  our  Knickerbockers  spare ; 
We're  catching  cold;  it's  my  belief 
We  ought  to  start  the  third  relief; 
We've  ventured  back;  and  now,  in  brief, 
Isn't  it  time  the  sulphurous  flame 
To  torment  should  your  ghostship  claim? 


"HAMLET."  21 

Hamlet—    What? 

Ghost—  How? 

Horatio  —  Hadn't  you  better  go? 

Ghost  —       Not  till  the  matutinal  crow. 

Air  —  "Go  'Way,  Old  Man" 

Horatio  —  We've  left  you  a  long  time  alone  with  your  son; 

Our  patient  politeness  you've  greatly  outrun. 
Chorus —  Go  'way,  old  ghost, 

Return  to  your  post 
In  the  place  where  hobgoblins  eternally  toast !  [Repeat. 

Horatio  —  You've  frightened  poor  Hamlet  nearly  out  of  his  senses, 
And  the  cold  we  have  suffered,  while  waiting,  intense  is. 
Chorus —  Go  'way,  old  ghost 

Return  to  your  post 
In  the  place  where  hobgoblins  eternally  toast!  [Bepeat. 

Hamlet —    Stop!  words  irreverent  should  not  fall 

On  ears  so  supernatural. 
Horatio  —   Yes,  but  with  all  our  best  endeavor, 

We  cannot  wait  for  him  forever. 

If  you  want  farther  conversation 
We'll  stay  right  here,  but  stop  our  ears. 

Eavesdropping  we  could  in  that  way  shun. 
Hamlet  —        Hark  how  the  ghost  his  palate  clears ! 

Air—  "My  Mary  Ann." 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

I  think  I  know  when  a  ghost  should  go; 

Polite  I'd  like  to  be; 
,  But  it  isn't  the  regular  thing,  you  see, 
To  start  away  till  the  cock  shall  crow  — 
To  start  away  till  the  cock  shall  crow. 

[Thei/  00  around,  repeating  the  last  line  to  each  one 
of  the  Chorus,  until  interrupted. 

Horatio —    Stop,  ghost  in  white,  if  you  are  able, 

Your  iterating  friend  in  sable. 

He  gravely  errs  if  he  supposes 

All  mortals  are  as  meek  as  Moses. 
Ghost —       Well,  I  repeat,  I'm  not  a-going 

Until  the  cock  begins  his  crowing,  — 

Sure  pop! 
Horatio —  But  none  will  crow. 


22  "HAMLET." 

Ghost—  The  dickens! 

Horatio —       All  —  when  the  army  here  were  quartered  — 
The  cocks,  the  hens,  the  tender  chickens, 
Were  by  the  commissary  slaughtered! 

Ghost —       Don't  care  a  whit!     No  orthodox  spectre, 
Of  which  I  am  the  recollecter, 
Could  ever  vanish  a  la  mode 
Till  glow-worm  paled  and  rooster  crowed. 

Horatio —   What  can  we  do  his  stay  to  dock? 
'Tis  hardly  yet  eleven  o'clock. 
To  entertain  a  ghost  all  night 
Would  leave  us  all  but  dead  with  fright. 
Good  friends,  can  none  of  you  suggest 
Some  plan  to  speed  our  parting  guest? 
I  have  it !     Our  own  trusty  throats 
Can  counterfeit  a  cockerel's  notes! 

Air —  "  Baptist,  Baptist  I  was  Born." 

Horatio—  Suppose  the  morn,  in  russet  clad, 

Were  walking  o'er  the  dew ; 
Suppose  a  cock  some  farmer  had 
Who  spied  the  morn,  and  crew. 

—  Start  it  gently. 

Chorus  —  [softly']  Cock-a-doodle ! 

Horatio  —   That's  the  ticket! 

Chorus  —  Cock-a-doodle-doo ! 

Horatio —  Suppose  he  woke  a  thousand  more 

Within  a  thousand  coops, 
Who  joined  —  an  inharmonious  corps  — 
In  emulative  whoops. 

—  A  little  louder. 

Chorus  —  Cock-a-doodle ! 

Horatio  —   All  together ! 

Chorus  —  Cock-a-doodle-doo ! 

Horatio —  A  truly  conscientious  ghost 

Would  feel  ashamed  to  stay ; 
Before  the  crows  of  such  a  host 
He'd  vanish  right  away! 

—  Now  rouse  it. 

Chorus  —  Cock-a-doodle ! 

Horatio —    Raise  a  ripper! 

Chorus  —  Cock-a-doodle-doo ! 


'HAMLET." 


23 


Ghost  - 


Hamlet 
Horatio  ■ 
Ghost  — 


Hamlet  — 
Ghost  — 


Stop!     I'll  give  in  if  you'll  abate  your 
Crows,  more  intolerable  than  nature. 
Scholars  and  gentlemen,  adieu! 
Adieu,  adieu! 

The  same  to  you. 
But  ere  I  cease  to  be  your  guest 
Grant  me,  I  pray,  one  last  request.  — 

Reveal  my  apparition  ne'er! 
We  won't. 

I  think  you'd  better  swear. 
All  hands  grab  hold  of  this  umbrel, 
And  swear  you'll  never,  never  tell ! 

[All  touch  the  umbrella  with  hands  or  weapons. 


[Opens  his  umbrella. 


Hamlet  — 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 
Hamlet  — 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 


Air  — ' '  Juaxita  . ' ' 

Spectre  suspicious, 
Vanish  hence  to  upper  air! 

All  that  you  wish  us, 
We  will  do. 

Swear !  —  Swear ! 

Not  by  word  or  gesture, 

Wink  or  whisper,  will  we  dare 
To  a  soul  suggest  your 

Visit  here. 

Swear!  —  Swear! 


Air  changed  to  "  Out  o'  dk  Wilderness." 

Chorus —  If  you'll  depart,  we'll  swear  to  any  thing, 

Swear  to  any  thing,  swear  to  any  thing; 
If  you'll  depart,  we'll  swear  to  any  thing,— 

Go,  and  don't  come  back! 
We  swear,  we  swear,  we  swear,  we  swear, 
We  swear,  we  swear,  we  swear,  we  swear. 
If  you'll  depart,  we'll  swear  to  any  thing, 

Swear  to  any  thing,  swear  to  any  thing; 
If  you'll  depart,  we'll  swear  to  any  thing,  — 

Go,  and  don't  come  back ! 


CURTAIN. 


24  "HAMLET." 


ACT    III. 

[Banquet-hall  of  the  castle.     Three  square  tables  against  the  walls.    Stu- 
dents, icith  white  aprons  and  napkins,  as  waiters.] 

Air  —  From  "Merry  Wives  of  Windsor." 

Chorus —     Wc  all  profess  our  loyalty, 

And  highly  patriotic  subjects  claim  to  be; 

So,  when  the  queen  enlisted  us, 

We  took  up  arms  without  a  particle  of  fuss. 

But  now  that  she,  such  men  as  we  — 

The  flower  of  Wittenborough  University  — 

Expects  to  wait  upon  her  table, 

In  place  of  second  girls,  it's  too  abominable ! 

A  soldier's  tasks  will  we  perform, 

And  stand  a  patient  guard  in  darkness  or  in  storm ; 

We'll  gladly  eat  a  soldier's  grub; 

Accoutrements  and  guns  we'll  diligently  scrub: 

But  if  they  think  that  Denmark's  pink 

Will  stand  behind  their  chairs,  and  hand  them  meat  and  drink, 

They  little  know  with  whom  they  deal ! 

We'll  all  be  hanged  before  we  serve  a  single  meal! 

[Enter  Poloxius.] 

Polonius  —  Now,  lads,  the  tables  spread! 

Horatio —  Guess  not! 

We  do  not  like  the  service. 
Polonius  —  What ! 

Refuse  to  do  the  queen's  behests? 

What  will  become  of  all  her  guests? 
Horatio —    Where  are  her  lackeys? 
Polonius —  Soldiers  daring. 

Horatio —    The  housemaids? 
Polonius  —  All  vivandiering. 

I  tell  you,  every  man  and  woman 

Is  at  the  wars.     What  can  we  do,  man? 

The  supper-table  must  be  set. 

Whom  can  we  turn  to,  sirs,  but  you? 

The  queen  will  not  your  zeal  forget. 
To  self,  to  country,  oh  be  true ! 

Perpend ! 


"HAMLET." 


25 


Horatio —  Enough  of  your  perpending-! 

We'll  help  you,  though  it  be  heartrending. 
Polonius —  Thanks,  gentlemen!  what  gems  of  price 

Can  compensate  your  sacrifice ! 


Air —  "  Menagerie. " 

Polonius  —  Now  hasten  with  great  celerity 

The  tables  forth  to  fetch, 
And  seek  in  the  chest  where  the  linens  be, 

Three  table-cloths  to  stretch. 
Then  out  of  the  china-closet  bring,  . 

For  our  festivity, 
The  latest  and  best  and  correctest  thing 

In  the  way  of  crockery. 
Chorus —  We'll  bring  the  newest  styles 

Of  ugly  color  and  glaze, 
The  cups  and  jugs  and  plates  and  tiles 

Of  the  truest  keramic  craze.  [Repeat. 

Polonius —  The  skill  you  exhibit  in  getting  tea 

(I  haz'rd  the  observation) 
Just  shows  the  catholicity 

Of  liberal  education. 
But  don't  you  forget,  my  lads,  to  bring 

For  our  festivity, 
The  latest  and  best  and  correctest  thing 

In  the  way  of  crockery. 
Chorus —  We'll  bring  the  newest  styles 

Of  ugly  color  and  glaze, 
The  cups  and  jugs  and  plates  and  tiles 

Of  the  truest  keramic  craze. 

[  The  three  tables  are  brought  out,  and  covered  with 
cloths,  hanging  down  to  the  floor. 

Polonius  —  Now  I  shall  leave  you  :  state  affairs 
Demand,  unhappily,  my  cares. 
You  to  the  kitchen  may  repair, 
The  viands  hitherward  to  bear. 

{Enter  Ghost  and  Voice.] 

Ghost —       All  gone?    All  gone!   my  sometime  queen 

To  tea  has  bid  her  gossips  dear. 
Now,  how  can  I  contrive,  unseen, 

Their  tattling  table-talk  to  hear? 
Aha!  this  table!   I'll  bestow 
My  ghostly  members  here  below. 
Pat,  share  with  me  this  humble  cot ! 
Crawl  in,  without  a  word,  and  squat. 


[Exeu?it  omnes. 


{Hides  under  centre  table. 
[Voice  follows. 


26 


"HAMLET." 


[Be-enter  Students,  with  dishes.'] 


Air — "  Loxg  Timk  Ago." 


Horatio  — 
Chorus  — 
Horatio  — 
Chorus  — 
Horatio  — ■ 
Chorus  — 
Horatio  — 
Chorus  — 
Horatio  — 
Chorus  — 
Horatio  — 
Chorus  — 


Claudius  ■ 


Here  is  the  royal  teapot, 

An't  this  nice? 
Put  it  where  the  tea  will  keep  hot. 

An't  this  nice? 
On  this  side  the  coffee-kettle ; 

An't  this  nice? 
Gently,  so  the  grounds  can  settle. 

An't  this  nice? 
Hot  milk  in  this  little  pitcher; 

An't  this  nice? 
Cream,  —  it  couldn't  be  much  richer. 

An't  this  nice? 

[The  Students  go  out. 

[Enter  Claudius.] 

•There's  no  one  here.     So  far,  so  good. 
I  much  suspect  this  female  brood. 
The  queen  to-night  firmly  declines 
The  company  of  masculines ; 
But  I  am  anxious  to  discover 
Which  way  her  likings  really  hover, 
And  whether  I  am  dupe  or  lover. 
If  I  could  listen  to  their  chatter 
At  tea,  I  might  decide  the  matter. 
Their  bashfulncss  not  to  embarrass, 
Suppose  I  hide  behind  an  arras? 
Or,  sta}',  I  think  I  might  be  able 
To  coil  my  legs  beneath  the  table. 


[Hides  under  table.    R. 


[lie-enter  Students.] 

Air  —  "Loxg  Time  Ago." 

Horatio —  Pears  and  apricots  and  quinces, 
Chorus —  An't  this  nice? 

Horatio  —  Scalloped  oysters,  tit  for  princes; 
Chorus —  An't  this  nice? 

Horatio—  Quail  on  toast,  and  rolls  and  biscuit; 
Chorus  —  An't  this  nice  ? 

Horatio —  Salad,  if  they  dare  to  risk  it; 
Chorus —  An't  this  nice? 

Horatio —  Fruit-cake,  full  of  dainty  spices; 
( 'horns —  An't  this  nice? 

Horatio  —  Charlotte-russe  and  water-ices. 
Chorus  —  An't  this  nice  ? 

[The  Students  go  out. 


;  "HAMLET."  27 

[Enter  Polonius.] 

Polonius  —  I've  given  my  boys  the  slip  ;  —  and  now 
To  And  a  proper  hiding-place. 
The  queen,  when  asked,  would  not  allow 

My  presence  at  her  tea.     In  face 
Of  such  refusal,  I  have  quietly  come 
To  hide  and  hear,  — not  deaf,  but  dumb. 
Perpend!  where  can  a  guest  unbidden 
Be  hid?    The  table?     I  am  hidden.  [Hides  under  table.     L. 

Air  —  "  Mahogany  Tkee." 

Claudius — [looking  out] 

Thoroughly  hid,  gossips  amid, 

I  can  o'erhear  all  that's  forbid. 
Polonius  —  [looking  out] 

Here  I  repose,  under  the  rose, 

Snug  as  a  bug,  and  there's  nobody  knows. 
Ghost  and  Voice —  [looking  out] 

While  they're  at  tea,  here  shall  I  be; 

Little  they'll  think  of  the  ghost  at  their  knee. 
Trio—  So  I'll  abide,  hidden  inside,   > 

Mouth  shut  up  close,  but  my  ears  open  wide. 

Claudius  —       But  while  they  eat,  what  if  their  feet 

Happen  my  legs  or  my  body  to  meet? 
Polonius —        Something  may  drop  on  to  me  —  pop! 

Causing  me  pain,  and  making  me  hop. 
Ghost  and  Voice  — 

Two  of  us  here  And  it  to  be  a 

Rather  too  small  and  contracted  a  sphere. 
TWo  —  Still  I'll  abide,  hidden  inside, 

Month  shut  up  close,  but  my  ears  open  wide. 

[Enter  Students  from  one  side,  Queen  and  Ophelia  from  the  other,  with 
seven  Old  Ladies.     They  march  solemnly  around.] 

Queen —       Aha!     What  does  this  signify? 
Horatio —    This  what,  most  gentle  majesty? 
Queen —      This  lack  of  music.     Where's  the  band? 

Where  is  Polonius?     Such  a  grand 

Tea-flght  as  this  ought  to  be  opened 

With  music.     He  shall  feel  the  rope-end! 
Horatio  —   Please,  ma'am,  the  band  are  in  your  camps. 
Queen —       Then  play  yourselves,  you  idle  scamps! 
Horatio —    Where  shall  we  get  the  instruments? 
Queen —       Buy  them. 


28 


"HAMLET." 


Horatio  - 
Queen  — 


Horatio 
Queen  — 


Hamlet  — 

Chorus  — 
Hamlet  — 

Chorus  — 


But,  madam — 

But  me  no  buts ! 
I'll  chasten  your  impertinence, 

Your  student  airs  and  college  struts! 
As  for  to-night,  a  march  you'll  sing! 
What  march? 

I  don't  care,  —  any  thing! 
Pardon,  my  friends,  this  interlude ; 
And  pardon,  too,  the  music  rude. 
Strike  up  a  march  to  rhythmic  beats; 
Approach,  and  find  your  several  seats. 

Air  —  "  Roll,  Jordan,  Roll." 


March  resumed. 


What  the  gracious  queen  of  Denmark  wants 

Her  subjects  have  to  do. 
So  sing,  brothers;  sing,  brothers;  sing,  brothers;  sing! 
Her  look  the  boldest  rebel  daunts, 

And  the  wildest  student,  too. 
So  sing,  brothers;  sing,  brothers;  sing,  brothers;  sing! 
We'll  howl  a  martial  march, 

We'll  raise  a  royal  shout, 
We'll  make  a  noise,  though  our  throats  may  parch, 

And  our  breath  may  peter  out. 

[Eepeat  from  "We'll  howl."  Queen,  Ophelia, 
and  Old  Ladies  sit  down.  Queen  at  centre 
table ;  Ophelia,  right ;  the  side  of  tables  to- 
ward audience  is  unoccupied. 


Queen  — 


1  O.L. 

2  O.L. 

3  O.L. 


Queen  — 


Boys,  help  these  noble  dames  to  sup ! 
Miss  0.  Polonius,  [to  Ophelia]  lively  up, 
And  entertain  our  guests ! 

Nice  tea! 
Splendid  oysters ! 

Your  majesty 
Must  miss  your  husband  so  at  supper; 

But  now  he  sups  in  regions  upper,  —      [By -play  by  the  Ghost. 
That  blessed  man!  there's  no  such  left. 
At  times  I  do  feel  quite  bereft, 
Yet  it  is  nice  to  be  a  widder. 
To  tell  the  truth,  I  don't  consider 
My  husband  was  a  perfect  man. 
Hyperion's  curls,  — but  then  he  ran 
Too  much  to  billiards  and  cigars. 


HAMLET." 


29 


You  know  he  had  an  eye  like  Mars. 
Yes,  yes;  —  His  nose  was  somewhat  snub; 
He  went  too  often  to  the  club 
And  came  home  late  at  night,  hilarious. 
His  faults  were  manifold  and  various, — 
Yet  still,  I  liked  him:  shall  I  rob 

This  meal  of  pleasure  if  I  sob?  [All  sol. 

There's  several  elegant  noblemen 
Would  like  to  see  you  marry  again. 

Duke  Claudius,  your  brother-in-law,        [By-play  by  Claudius. 
He's  dead  in  love  ;  I  never  saw 
A  man  more  "sot"  your  hand  to  own. 
My  hand?  more  like  he  wants  my  throne! 
The  odious,  hump-backed,  cross-eyed  wretch  I 
I'd  like  his  ugly  neck  to  stretch. 
I've  made  him  brevet  king,  —  no  nearer 
■  Shall  he  become  to  me,  nor  dearer. 
But  this  is  solemn  conversation 
To  accompany  our  evening  ration. 
Ophelia,  sing  us  something  gay! 
Here's  an  appropriate  roundelay. 

Air  —  "Carry  me  back  to  Olk  Virgixny." 

We  may  gather  at  tea 

In  sossippy  glee, 
On  the  board  may  be  blossom  and  wreath; 

But  we  never  can  know, 

'Mid  splendor  and  show, 
What  danger  is  lurking  beneath. 

We  may  gather  at  tea 

In  gossippy  glee, 
On  the  board  may  be  blossom  and  wreath ; 

But  we  never  can  know, 

'Mid  splendor  and  show, 
What  danger  is  lurking  beneath. 


The  louder  we  laugh, 
The  deeper  we  quaff, 

The  danger  is  ever  increased : 
That  close  by  our  side, 
Our  mirth  to  deride, 

A  skeleton  lurks  at  the  feast. 
The  louder  we  laugh, 
The  deeper  we  quaff, 

The  danger  is  ever  increased; 
That  close  by  our  side, 
Our  mirth  to  deride, 

A  skeleton  lurks  at  the  feast. 


30 


HAMLET." 


Queen —       Thanks,  miss:  your  voice  is  harsh  and  hoarse; 

You  do  the  best  you  can,  of  course. 
1  0.  L.  —   They  say  another  noble  lord 

His  queen  too  plainly  has  adored. 
Queen —      Who's  that?  and  still  another  beau  nigh  us? 
1  0.  L.  —    That  "  unseen  good  old  man  "  Polonius. 
Queen—      What!  that  old  fool? 
Ophelia —  Hush!  he's  my  pa. 

Queen  —      How  like  your  father,  dear,  you  are !  — 

He's  old  and  gouty,  gray  and  bent;         [By-play  by  Polonius. 

Deaf,  blind,  half-witted,  scant  of  breath,  — 
And  then,  he  isn't  worth  a  cent: 
I  couldn't  even  chance  his  death. 

[Polonius  moves  incautiously.     Old  Ladies  start, 
scream,  and  stand  up  on  their  chairs. 

Air — "What  Can  the  Matter  Be." 

Chorus —  Something  is  under  the  table-cloth, 
Something  is  under  the  table-cloth, 
Something  is  under  the  table-cloth,  — 

Don't  you  suppose  it  is  rats? 
I  tell  you  I  felt  it  a-moving  and  moving, 
I  tell  you  I  felt  it  a-moving  and  moving, 
I  tell  you  I  felt  it  a-moving  and  moving,  — 
I'm  sure  it  is  nothing  but  rats ! 

Go,  get  a  dog  and  a  rat-catcher ! 
Go,  get  a  dog  and  a  rat-catcher! 
Go,  get  a  dog  and  a  rat-catcher ! 

Hunt  out  the  horrible  rats ! 
Poke  'em  and  punch  'em,  and  pound  'em  and  hammer  'em, 
Poke  'em  and  punch  'em,  and  pound  'em  and  hammer  'em, 
Poke  'em  and  punch  'em,  and  pound  'em  and  hammer  'em,  — 

Hammer  the  horrible  rats! 

Queen —       Aha!  who  dares  to  show  dismay? 

Young  men,  the  rash  intruders  face! 
Hamlet,  the  rats  invite  a  fray : 
Draw,  and  exterminate  the  race ! 

[Students  poke  feebly  at  tables. 
Hamlet —     How  now  —  a  rat?     Think'st  thou  I  dread 
A  rat?     Dead,  —  for  a  ducat,  dead! 

[Thrusts.     Polonius  crawls  out,  nibbing  his  shoulder. 
Polonius  —  Thanks  to  his  generous  wealth  of  padding, 
My  tailor's  saved  my  soul  from  gadding; 
For  if  the  sword  had  entered  lower, 
I  now  should  tread  the  shining  shore. 


■HAMLET." 


31 


Queen  ■ 


Chorus  — 


Chorus  — 

Queen  — 
Pulonius  — 
Ophelia  — 

Hamlet  — 

Claudius  - 

Queen  — 
Claudius  - 

Chorus  — 


Air —  "  Tkancadillo." 

So,  you  are  the  vermin, 

Who  all  of  us  scared  so? 
You  have  tarnished  your  ermine;  — 
I  am  sorry  you  are  spared  so. 
Polonious,  Poldnius, 
Such  conduct  felonious, 
Is  unprecedented  and  unceremonious! 

Explain  why  you  did  thus 
Before  all  these  ladies ! 
The  reason  you  hid  thus, 
Disgraceful,  I'm  afraid,  is. 
Polonius,  Polonius 
Such  conduct  felonious, 
Is  unprecedented  and  unceremonious  I 

Polonius ! — 

Perpend ! 

Oh,  oh! 
There's  something;  underneath  my  toe! 
Rats  there?     More  blood  upon  my  head; 
Dead,  —  for  another  ducat,  dead ! 
■  [escaping  from  under  table] 
Hold  up,  hold  up!     In  my  hide  no  dent 
Do  I  desire.     I'm  not  a  rodent. 
Claudius,  you  rascal !     You  abuse  me 
Thus  ambushing.     Come  here ! 

Excuse  me ! 


[Repeat. 


[Thrusts. 


[Exit. 


Air  —  "Woman  is  Changeable. 


(lligolctto.) 


As  if  before  a  cat 

There  goes  a  coward  rat,  — 

Hat  of  a  sorry  breed,  — 

Worse  than  a  rat,  indeed ; 

Ealscly  and  meanly  sly, 

On  us  to  play  the  spy, 

He  has  deserved,  like  a  real  rat,  to  die. 

Claudius,  Claudius,  vilest  of  men, 

Claudius,  Claudius,  away  to  your  den! 

Ghost  —  [looks  out] 

Before  they  prod  for  me,  I'll  rise, 
And  give  them  a  unique  surprise. 

[Ghost  and  Voice  rise  with  table  on  their  back. 
The  Qukkx,  being  behind,  cannot  see  them 
through  the  rest  of  the  scene. 
1  0.  L.  —  Oh,  catch  me!     I'm  going  to  faint. 

[Ophelia  and  Old  Ladies  faint  in  Students'  arms. 


32 


'HAMLET. 


Hamlet  ■ 


Queen  — 

Hamlet  — 
Queen  — 
Hamlet  — 


The  ghost  again,  by  all  that's  quaint! 
Do  you  return  your  son  to  chide? 
How  pale  he  glowers ! 

Are  you  beside 
Yourself,  as  usual?    What  do  you  see? 
My  father's  ghost! 

You  can't  ghost  me ! 
These  friends  around  us  can  discern  all : 
Say,  is  it  not  the  shade  paternal  ? 


Hamlet  — 
Chorus  — 
Hamlet  — 
Chorus  — 


Hamlet  — 
Chorus  — 
Hamlet — 
Chorus  — 


Air —  "  Rig-a-jig-jig." 

I  ask  you  all  what  sight  you  see  ? 

It  is  a  ghost !  it  is  a  ghost ! 
0  skeptical  queen,  they  all  agree. 

A  ghost,  a  ghost,  a  ghost ! 
He  asks  us  all  what  sight  we  see, 

It  is  a  ghost !  it  is  a  ghost ! 
O  skeptical  queen,  we  all  agree. 

A  ghost,  a  ghost,  a  ghost !         • 

What  more  do  you  discover  there? 

A  sable  ghost !  A  sable  ghost ! 
O  skeptical  queen,  they're  a  ghostly  pair. 

A  ghost,  a  ghost,  a  ghost ! 
What  more  do  we  discover  there? 

A  sable  ghost!  A  sable  ghost! 
0  skeptical  queen,  they're  a  ghostly  pair. 

A  ghost,  a  ghost,  a  ghost ! 

Queen —  Let  me  get  at  them !  I'll  make  them  sick! 

Chorus —  Beware,  0  ghost!  beware,  0  ghost! 

Ghost  and  Voice  — • 

No,  you  don't,  madam;  we  move  too  quick! 
Chorus  —  O  ghost,  0  ghost,  0  ghost ! 

Let  you  get  at  them !  you'll  make  them  sick ! 

Beware,  0  ghost!  beware,  0  ghost! 
No,  you  don't,  madam;  they  move  too  quick! 
0  ghost,  0  ghost,  O  ghost ! 

[During  the  last  verse,  the  Ghost  and  Voice  gradually  press  back  the  Queen, 
vln  is  trying  to  get  round  the  table  ichich  they  still  carry  on  their  back, 
until,  toith  the  last  line,  they  push  the  table  over  on  to  her,  against  the 
wall,  and,  leaving  her  there,  go  one  to  each  wing.     Tableau. 

CUHTAIN. 


"HAMLET."  33 


ACT    IV. 

[Hall,  as  before.    Polonius,  and  Students  with  brooms.'} 

Air — "The  Mountains."     (Chorus  only.) 

Chorus —    Confound  it,  confound  it,  to  make  a  student  clust! 
We  shudder,  we  shudder  with  passionate  disgust. 
And  hang  it,  and  hang  it,  to  be  obliged  to  sweep ! 
For  words  our  rage  is  much  too  strong  and  deep ! 

We  shouldn't,  we  shouldn't  a  brush  or  broom  propel; 
We  ought  to,  we  ought  to  intrepidly  rebel ! 
But  twofold,  but  twofold  obstructions  intervene,  — 
The  faculty,  and  oh,  an  angry  queen! 

Polonius  —  But  now,  perpend ! 

Horatio —  We'll  raise  a  riot! 

Polonius —  Don't  be  obstreperous,  —  keep  quiet! 

You  wouldn't  have  the  palace  halls 

Untidy,  would  you  ?    Duty  calls 

Most  loudly  to  the  educated  classes : 

What  duty,  gentlemen,  surpasses 

Keeping  things  wholesome  for  the  queen? 

The  men  who  generally  clean 

This  suite  of  rooms  are  at  the  front, 

Bearing  the  battle's  bloody  brunt,  — 

('Tis  but  a  foolish  fancy,  still,  my  own !) 

Denmark  expects  each  sophomore 

To  do  his  duty  —  and  sweep  the  floor ! 
Horatio  —    Denmark  expects  too  much.     No  more 

[Enter  Ophelia.] 
Will  we  do  menial  service  here ! 
The  queen  we  honor  and  revere, 
But  hanged  if  we  will  sweep  her  floor! 
Polonius —  Ophelia,  assist  me!     These  young  chaps 
Refuse  to  sweep;  what  can  I  do? 
They  will  not  budge  for  me.     Perhaps 
If  you  ask,  they  will  sweep  for  you. 


34  "HAMLET." 

Air —  "Prima  Donna  Waltz"  —  Julien. 

Ophelia  —  Oh,  please  do  sweep ! 

Chorus —  Don't  ask! 

Ophelia  —  Oh,  please  do  sweep ! 

Chorus  —  Don't  ask ! 

Ophelia —  Unless  you  sweep,  I'll  have  to  weep. 

Chorus  —  'Tis  far  too  mean  a  task ! 

Ophelia —  But  I  implore ! 

Chorus  —  We  might ! 

Ophelia  —  Oh,  I  implore ! 

Chorus  —  We  might ! 

Ophelia  —  Yes,  I  implore  once  more,  once  more ! 

Chorus —  We'll  do  it  with  delight.               [They  sweep  and  sing. 

We  can't  resist  her  beauty's  bloom; 

It  dissipates  our  grumbling  gloom.  [boys  ! 

So  ply  the  gallant  broom,  boys;  the  broom,  boys;  the  broom,. 

The  unscholastic  task  assume : 

For  sweet  Ophelia  sweep  the  room, 
And  ply  the  gallant  broom,  boys;  the  broom,  boys;  the  broom  I 

Ophelia —  Oh,  thanks!  a  thousand  fervent  thanks! 

My  grateful  tears  o'erflow  their  tanks. 
How  can  I  make  due  recompense? 
Hamlet —    Grant  all  your  general  thanks  to  me ! 

You  long  have  known  my  love  inteuse; 

Now  answer  to  my  passionate  plea. 
Ophelia —   I  can't.     My  pa  and  friends  assert 

You're  nothing  but  a  masculine  flirt.  [Going. 

Hamlet —    But  stay  and  hear  me  plead  my  suit! 
Horatio —   Go  on  and  speak,  we'll  not  be  mute. 

Air  —  "  Kinloch." 

Hamlet —    I  love  thee,  my  darling,  my  darling,  my  darling; 

I  love  thee,  my  darling,  wilt  thou  be  mine? 
Ophelia —   I  cannot,  dear  Hamlet,  dear  Hamlet,  dear  Hamlet; 

I  cannot,  dear  Hamlet,  be  thine,  be  thine ! 

Duet —  Alas!  how  sad,  how  wofully  sad, 

To  see  an  honest,  affectionate  lad 
In  love  with  a  lass  who  must  send  him  away, 
And  answer  her  lover  a  sorrowful  nay. 

[Hamlet  retires. 
Horatio —    Ophelia,  all  of  Hamlet's  friends 
Admire  you  full  as  much  as  he. 
With  his  warm  love  our  homage  blends; 

We  urge  his  suit  in  sympathy. 
Boys,  let  us  plead  his  cause  in  chorus ! 
We  ought  to  carry  all  before  us. 


'HAMLET." 


35 


Air —  "  Pretty  Jemima." 

Horatio —  Gentle  Ophelia,  don't  say  no, 

Do  not  say  no,  to  Hamlet's  suit! 
Pity  his  love,  and  behold  his  woe, 

So  eloquently  mute! 
We  ask  upon  our  bended  knees; 

We  lift  our  imploring  eyes  ; 
Our  copious  tears  remark,  if  you  please, 

And  hark  to  our  frightful  sighs!  — 


[Kneeling. 


Chorus—    Oh-h-h! 


Gentle  Ophelia,  don't  say  no, 
Do  not  say  no,  to  Hamlet's  suit! 

Pity  his  love,  and  behold  his  woe, 
So  eloquently  mute ! 


[Mise  and  dance. 


[Bepeat  four  lines. 

Ophelia —    I  love  him,  gentle  sirs.     Alas! 

My  heart  is  sore  with  hidden  pain. 
Horatio  —   Then  why  refuse  ? 
Polonius  —  He  is  an  ass ! 

Pert,  shallow,  idle,  spendthrift,  vain! 

She  shall  not  marry ! 
Ophelia —  This  sharp  ache! 

My  overburdened  brain  will  break ! 
Polonius  —  Come !     We  have  here  too  long  delayed ! 

Ophelia —    Farewell!  [They  go.    K. 

Hamlet —  Farewell,  obdurate  maid!  [Goes.     L. 

Horatio —   Well,  Hamlet  can't  mid  fault  with  us: 

Our  aid  has  been  most  generous. 

She's  set,  —  her  father's  even  setter; 

And  on  the  whole,  perhaps  'tis  better. 

If  she  said  yes,  —  she'd  undergo 

The  tortures  of  the  lost. 
1  Stu.—  Why  so? 

Air  —  "  Ix  the  Good  Old  Colony  Times." 

Horatio —    If  she  should  marry  him, 

Just  think  of  the  trouble  and  jaw; 
The  rancorous  strife  of  her  married  life, 
With  such  a  mother-in-law! 
Chorus —    With  such  a  mother-in-law,  with  such  a  mother-in-law! 
The  rancorous  strife  of  her  married  life, 
With  such  a  mother-in-law! 

Horatio —    They  would  have  to  live  with  her,  — 
Be  always  under  her  claw; 
They'd  better  be  dead,  than  live  thus  wed 
To  a  savage  old  mother-in-law! 


36 


■HAMLET. 


[They  sweep. 


Chorus — ■    To  a  savage  old  mother-in-law: — to  a  savage  old  mother-in- 
They'd  better  be  dead,  than  live  thus  wed  [law!  — 

To  a  savage  old  mother-in-law ! 

Horatio  —   Her  every  look  and  word, 

Like  a  serpent's  tooth  would  gnaw: 
She  would  rage  and  scold  till  she  killed  them  cold,  — 
A  -avage  old  mother-in-law ! 
Chorus —    A  savage  old  mother-in-law: — a  savage  old  mother-in-law!  — 
She  would  rage  and  scold  till  she  killed  them  cold,  — 
A  savage  old  mother-in-law  ! 

Horatio  —   By  Jove !  here  she  comes  now. 

[Enter  Queen  and  Poloxius.] 

Queen  —  Aha ! 

What's  that  about  a  mother-in-law? 

Who?     How?    What  do  you  mean  by  singing? 

Sweep,  or  I'll  set  your  ears  a-ringing! 
Polonius  —  [aside] 

Now  is  my  chance  :  faint  heart  ne'er  won 

A  queen  of  Denmark.     I'll  approach  her. 

Of  courting  this  shall  be  my  broacher. 

A  man  like  me  why  should  she  shun? 

Sweet  Gertrude ! 
Queen  —  Did  you  speak  to  me? 

Polonius —  I  kneel. 

Queen  —  Get  up,  you  old  rheumatic! 

Polonius —  I  love  you! 
Queen  —  Sir,  in  terms  emphatic 

I  tell  you,  get  up  instantly. 
Polonius —  Hear.' 

Queen  —  I  am  getting  autocratic. 

Horatio  —  [to  Students] 

I  suppose  a  proper  esprit  de  corps 
Requires  us  to  assist  a  prof., 

Even  if  he  is  a  blamed  old  bore. 
Let's  give  his  suit  a  good  send-off. 


[Kneels. 


Air 


Dixg,  Dong,  Skip  it  Along." 


Horatio  —  Hold  on,  radiant  queen  ! 

Give  tiie  old  fellow  a  show. 
Don't  be  abrupt,  or  treat  him  with  spleen, 
Even  in  answering  no. 

(  horus —     [Eepcat  the  verse.] 


"HAMLET." 


37 


Horatio —  Think  how  beauty  and  grace 

Carry  us  fellows  away  ; 
If  he's  in  love  with  your  beautiful  face, 
Do  let  the  man  have  his  say ! 

Chorus  —     [Bepeat  the  verse.'] 

Queen —       I  won't!     You  go  ahead  and  sweep ! 

Now  you,  sir,  —  crawl !    I  mean  it,  —  creep! 
A  man  who  kneels  when  he  should  stand, 
Must  walk,  ptrforce,  with  knee  and  hand. 

[Polonius,  who  has  not  risen  from  his  knees,  is 
compelled  to  crawl  out  before  the  Queen, 
who  follows  him. 

Horatio —   The  old  vixen!     Hallo!  who's  here? 
Hamlet,  but  very  wild  and  queer. 

[Enter  Hamlet,  dishevelled.'] 

Old  chap,  what's  up? 
Hamlet  —  Nothing. 

Horatio —  But  why 

This  pallid  face,  this  wandering  eye, 

This  strange  expression?     Tell  me,  does 

An  illness  trouble  you? 
Hamlet —  Buzz  —  buzz! 

Horatio —    Mad  as  a  March  hare  !     See  him  stare 

At  something  yonder  in  the  air! 

How  to  himself  he  strangely  mutters! 

We'll  humor  him  in  all  he  utters. 


Air 


Pop  goes  the  Weasel." 


Hamlet  ■ 
Chorus  ■ 

Hamlet  - 
Chorus  - 


Is  that  a  singular  chandelier, 

Or  is  it  my  vagary? 
Doesn't  it  like  a  camel  appear? 

Quite  a  dromedary! 
All  the  points  we  clearly  track; 

Indeed,  it's  even  hairy; 
Ami  see,  two  humps  upon  its  back, — 

Quite  a  dromedary ! 

Oh,  no;  you're  wrong;  'tis  plain  as  a  pike ; 

No  man  alive  can  me  sell : 
A  weasel  it  is  far  more  like. 

Just  like  a  weasel ! 
As  sure  as  if  we  saw  it  alive 

Or  painted  on  an  easel. 
To  catch  a  mouse  behold  it  strive 

Just  like  a  weasel! 


38 


-HAMLET. 


Hamlet —  A  pack  of  fools  yon  all  must  be; 

Your  senses  sadly  fail; 
'Tis  nothing  at  all  but  a  whale  at  sea! 
Chorus —  Very  like  a  whale! 

Why  yes,  we  plainly  make  him  out! 

How  he  waggles  his  tail! 
Jupiter!  what  a  magnificent  spontj 
Very  like  a  whale  ! 

Hamlet —    Afraid  of  me,  that's  evident! 

They  fool  me  to  the  top  of  my  bent. 
Horatio  —    See  yonder,  how  Ophelia  stalks ! 

Her  hair,  dishevelled,  full  of  flowers. 
Uncanny  gibberish  she  talks, 
And  straight  before  her  wildly  glowers. 


[Retires. 


Air 


[Enter  Ophelia.] 
"Hey  Dowx  Derry." 


Ophelia —  A  sprig  of  foolish  sr.ge, 

A  buttercup  of  rue  : 
The  pansy's  pain  assuage 

With  fennel's  heavenly  hue : 
The  pansy's  pain  assuage 
With  fennel's  heavenly  hue. 
Chorus —  Her  words  erratic  are  enigmatic, 

We  look  for  a  meaning  in  vain; 
A  sort  of  panic  of  terms  botanic, — 

She  must  be  a  trifle  insane. 
That's  it!  that  is  the  matter! 
She's  mad,  she's  mad  as  a  hatter! 
That's  it!   that  is  the  matter! 
She's  mad,  she's  mad  as  a  hatter! 
She's  mad,  she's  mail  as  a  hatter! 
She's  mad,  she's  mad  as  a  hatter! 

Ophelia —  A  lily-blue  rose  for  him, 

A  violet  green  for  me ; 
Dim  daisies  darkly  swim 

In  dandelion  tea : 
Dim  daisies  darkly  swim 

In  dandelion  tea! 

Chorus —     [As  before.'] 

[Hamlet  and  Ophelia  meet.     He  takes  her  hand  and  goes  through  dumb 
show,  as  in  Act  II.,  Scene  1,  original  play. ] 

Horatio —   Well,  this  is  slightly  singular, 

But  friendship  cannot  go  too  far; 
And  if  our  friends  are  both  insane, 
Our  duty  is  extremely  plain  ; 


"HAMLET." 


39 


Nay,  more,  'tis  pressing  and  despotic: 
We,  too,  must  go  stark  idiotic ! 
Assume  your  individual  crazes, 
Abandon  sense  and  act  like  blazes. 


[Mad  scene. 


Air  —  "  Black  Brigade." 


Horatio  —    Insanity  is  catching,  — 

Chorus  —  We're  all  a-going  crazy ! 

Horatio  —       Insanity  is  catching  — 

Chorus —  We're  mad,  we're  mad  ! 

Horatio —    Insanity  is  catching,  —  we're  all  a-going  crazy. 
Chorus —        We're  mad,  we're  mad,  we're  violently  mad! 
A  wild  and  reckless  crew, 
Our  steps  are  growing  mazy ; 
We're  mad,  we're  mad! 
All  sorts  of  wild  hallucinations  whirling  through  and  through 
Our  brains,  already  dazy : 

We're  mad,  we're  mad,  we're  violently  mad! 

[Enter  Queen  and  Polonius."] 

Queen—      Aha!     What's  this? 

Hamlet—  I'm  mad! 

Ophelia —  I'm  mad! 

Horatio  —   We're  all  mad ! 

■Queen —  Hey,  you  are?    That's  bad. 

But  I  know  something  worse  —  for  you ! 

You  want  to  know  just  what  I  mean? 
I'll  tell  you:  7am  mad.     You  bet  it 

Is  not  quite  safe  to  rile  a  queen. 

I'm  mad,  aha!  don't  you  forget  it!  — 

I'm  mad  all  through  and  through  and  through. 

Hamlet,  come  here.     Do  you  confess 

You're  sane  as  I  am? 
Hamlet—  You?    Oh,  yes! 

'Queen —      Ophelia,  bustle  up  your  hair!  — 

You  think  you're  mad? 
Ophelia  —  Well,  no !  not  now. 

Queen —      That's  nice.     Horatio,  when  and  where 

Did  all  you  scampish  students  dare 

Go  mad? 
Horatio —  Don't  ask  me.     I  am  sure 

We're  not  mad  now. 


40 


"HAMLET. 


Queen  —  A  sudden  cure ! 

Now  that  you've  found  your  wits,  stay  saue ! 

I  vow,  and  vow  it  full  and  free, 
If  ever  you  go  mad  again 
I'll  macerate  your  vertebras! 


Chorus  — 


Air —  "Rambling  Bake  of  Poverty." 

Whenever  a  man  or  woman 

Is  born  with  any  sense, 
To  act  the  mule  or  play  the  fool 

Is  wickedness  intense. 
Whenever  a  man  or  woman 

Behaves  so  utterly  green, 
'Tis  a  very  good  thing  to  be  under  the  wing 

Of  a  thoroughly  absolute  queen. 
A  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly, 

Thoroughly  absolute  queen : 
A  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly, 

Thoroughly  absolute  queen. 
Whenever  a  man  or  woman 

Behaves  so  utterly  green, 
'Tis  a  very  good  thing  to  be  under  the  wing 

Of  a  thoroughly  absolute  queen. 


Queen —  Don't  ever  again  go  crazy 

While  I  am  upon  the  throne, 
Or  I'll  surely  strive  to  flay  you  alive 

And  boil  you  to  the  bone. 
If  you  ever  again  go  crazy,  — 

I  say  just  what  I  mean,  — 
You  will  rue  the  day  that  you  felt  the  sway 

Of  a  thoroughly  absolute  queen. 
Chorus —  A  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly, 

Thoroughly  absolute  queen : 
A  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly,  thoroughly, 

Thoroughly  absolute  queen. 
If  we  ever  again  go  crazy,  — 

You  say  just  what  you  mean,  — 
We  will  rue  the  day  that  we  felt  the  sway 

Of  a  thoroughly  absolute  queen. 


CURTAIN. 


"HAMLET."  41 


ACT    V. 

[Same  hall.     Wardrobe  at  rear.    Polonius  and  Students.     Students  play 
"The  Campbells  are  Coming"  on  combs,  Polonius  beating  time.'] 

Polonius —  Good,  good!  that's  musical  and  mellow. 
Suppose  we  try  "St.  Patrick's  Day." 
More  vigor,  you  young  men  who  play 
The  French  comb,  and  the  combicello. 

[They  play  "  St.  Patrick's  Day." 
Polonius  —  The  whole  effect  is  quite  melodious, 

And  ought  our  gracious  Queen  to  please. 
Duty  like  this  is  not  so  odious 
As  cleaning  floors  or  tending  teas. 
Horatio —   Well,  no!  we're  not  unduly  grand; 

We  don't  object  to  playing  band. 
Polonius —  Wait  here  to  greet  the  royal  party 
With  welcome  musically  hearty. 

[Enter  Hamlet.] 

Hamlet —  [comes  slowly  forward]  To  be,  or  not  to  be — 
Horatio  —  [comes  forward]  Still  dejected? 

Hamlet  —        Yes. 

Horatio —  Well,  it's  not  at  all  surprising 

The  ghost  your  mood  has  so  affected. 
What  now,  lad? 
Hamlet  —  I'm  soliloquizing. 

Horatio  —   You  are  indeed !  —  Shall  it  be  said 

Your  friends,  in  time  of  need,  have  flown? 
Forbid  it,  friendship's  mighty  dead! 

You  shan't  soliloquize  alone !  — 
Boys,  let  your  cheerful  voices  rise ; 
We'll  help  him  to  soliloquize! 


42  "HAMLET." 

Bound.     Air — "Three  Blind  Mice.' 

Chorus  —  To  be,  or  not  to  be, 

To  be,  or  not  to  be, 

To  be,  or  not  to  be, 

That  is  the  question, 

That  is  the  question, 

That  is  the  question. 
Whether  'tis  best  to  suffer  the  slings 
Of  love  and  law  aucl  similar  things, 
Or  end  them  all  with  a  bodkin's  stiugs. 

Horatio  —  There !  —  that's  what  I  call  pretty  neat. 

It  ought  to  get  us  all  a  pension.  — 

Hey,  Hamlet? 
Hamlet —  Sirs,  'twas  kind  and  sweet, 

But  looked  too  much  like  intervention. 
Horatio  —  We'll  stand  by  you,  my  dear  old  fellow, 

Till  we  are  in  the  "  sere  and  yellow." 

Our  help  j'ou've  always  surely  got, 

Whether  you  fancy  it  or  not. 
Polonius  —  Here  comes  the  queen.     Fall  in,  musicians ! 

Assume  appropriate  positions ! 

[Students  play  "  Hail  to  the  Chief .'"  on  their  combs.    Enter  Queen,  Ophe- 
lia, and  Claudius.] 

Queen —      Ha!     Stop  that  noise !     [Music  stops. ~\     Polonius,  explain! 
Polonius  —  If  there's  no  music,  you  complain: 

If  I  a  band  instruct  and  train 

To  furnish  music,  I  displease ! 
Queen —       That,  music?     More  like  bumblebees! 

Don't  let  me  hear  it,  sir,  again. 

It's  buzzy,  wiry,  thin,  and  hateful. 
Polonius  —  Like  a  republic,  —  always  ungrateful! 
Claudius  —  Hamlet,  you  promised,  I  believe, 

Some  entertainment,  to  relieve 

The  tedium  of  our  evening? 
Hamlet —  Yes. 

Claudius —  Theatricals,  if  I  might  guess? 
Hamlet —    No,  sir,  —  a  seance.     I  propose 

Some  spiritualistic  shows. 


"HAMLET." 

Queen —      That's  right,  you're  usually  too  slow; 
I'm  glacl  to  see  some  kind  of  go. 
Or,  let  me  make  my  praises  properer, 
And  put  them  into  regular  opera. 

Air — "  Good-bye,  Sweetheart." 

[Sings']  I  hear  thy  novel  plan  with  joy. 
Good  boy,  Hamlet,  good  boy! 

[Siieaks]  Claudius,  sit  down!     Hamlet,  unfold 
The  kind  of  show  you  mean  to  hold. 
Horatio —    Goon,  Hamlet;  don't  be  afraid. 

We'll  help  you  if  you  get  dismayed. 


43 


Hamlet  — 

I,  my  friends,  have — 

Chorus  — 

Come,  come,  come, 

Hamlet  — 

To  make  you  all  less — 

Chorus  — 

Glum,  glum,  glum; 

Hamlet  — 

And  if  you'll  just  sit — 

Chorus  — 

Mum,  mum,  mum, 

Hamlet  — 

I  may  relieve  your  tedium. 

Now,  if  observant  eyes  you  set 

On  yonder  simple  cabinet, 

See- 

Chorus  — 

See, 

Hamlet  — 

See, 

Chorus  — 

See, 

Hamlet  — 

See, 

Chorus  — 

See, 

Hamlet  — 

See 

What  behind  the  door  may  be. 

Hamlet  — 

Perhaps  a  bell  may — 

Chorus  — 

King,  ring,  ring; 

Hamlet  — 

Or  a  voice  may — 

Chorus  — 

Sing,  sing,  sing; 

Hamlet  — 

Mystic  hands  may — 

Chorus  — 

Fling,  fling,  fling 

Hamlet  — 

Through  the  air  some  startling  thing. 

If  a  spectral  light  appear, 

Dear  departed  friends  are  near. 

Lo!  — 

Chorus  — 

Lo! 

Hamlet  — 

Lo! 

Chorus  — 

Lo! 

Hamlet  — 

Lo! 

Chorus  — 

Lo! 

Hamlet  — 

Lo! 

Ghostly  forms  the  light  may  show. 

Hamlet  — 

Turn  down  the  light ! 

Ophelia  — 

Oh,  don't!  I'm  frightene 

44  "HAMLET." 

Queen —      I  don't  know  how  such  nonsense  might  end. 
Claudius  —  I  feel  as  if  upon  a  rack. 
Polonius —  Cold  shivers  creep  all  down  my  back. 
Hamlet —    Turn  down  the  lights ;  join  hands;  no  word, 

Xo  cough,  no  whisper  must  be  heard.  \_Noises  in  cabinet. 

Air  —  Conspirators'  Chorus.     (Madame  Angot.) 

Chorus —      Just  remark  how  that  cabinet  is  creaking  at  the  cracks, 
And  how  its  interior  reverberates  with  whacks : 
There  is  some  sort  of  body  in  its  narrow  cell  immersed, 
And  if  he  isn't  let  out,  it  will  burst. 

Ghost  and  Voice  —  [within]  Ha ! 

Chorus  —  Listen ! 

Ghost  and  Voice  —  Ho ! 

Chorus  —  Listen ! 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

Let  me  out  of  here ! 

I— 
Chorus —  Hear  it! 

Ghost  and  Voice —  Say! 

Chorus  —  Hear  it ! 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

I  feel  very  queer ; 

And  my  arms  and  legs  so  ache 
That  I'm  bound  to  make  a  break; 

And  I  warn  you  chaps  outside,  the  coast  to  clear. 

Chorus —        And  his  arms  and  legs  so  ache 

That  be's  bound  to  make  a  break; 
And  he  warns  us  chaps  outside,  the  coast  to  clear; 
Warns  us  chaps  outside,  the  coast  to  clear, 
Warns  us  chaps  outside,  the  coast  to  clear. 

[Cracks  heard  in  the  cabinet. 

Hamlet  —     Hark ! 

Claudius  —  Stop  it ! 

Ophelia  —  Oh ! 

Polonius  —  Ah ! 

Queen —  Go  ahead! 

Hamlet —    Hark  to  a  message  from  the  dead! 

[Noise  in  icardrobe  groios  more  violent ;  the  door  is  burst  open;  with  a  sudden 
glare  of  light,  the  Ghost  and  Voice  appear. ,] 

Air  —  "  The  Mockixg-Bird." 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

Behold  the  Ghost  of  Hamlet ! 
Chorus —  Of  Hamlet,  of  Hamlet! 

Ghost  and  Voice — - 

Behold  the  Ghost  of  Hamlet! 
Come  back  on  earth  Ins  vengeance  dire  to  deal! 


"HAMLET." 


45 


Chorus —  Whistle  up  courage,  boys! 

[with  lohistlinr/']  Whistle  up  courage,  boys! 

Before  our  lips  with  terror  shall  congeal! 
Whistle  up  courage,  boys! 
Whistle  up  courage,  boys! 
To  hide  the  consternation  that  we  feel! 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

Where  is  King  Hamlet's  murderer? 
Chorus —  His  murderer!  his  murderer! 

Ghost  and  Voice  — 

Where  is  King  Hamlet's  murderer? 
Those  trembling  knees  his  guiltiness  reveal! 


Chorus  — 


Whistle  up  courage,  boys! 

Whistle  up  courage,  boys  ! 
Before  our  lips  with  terror  shall  congeal ! 

Whistle  up  courage,  boys ! 

Whistle  up  courage,  boys  ! 
To  hide  the  consternation  that  we  feel! 


Claudius  —  Mercy ! 

Ghost  —  Confess  your  fratricide ! 

You  drowned  me  in  the  whirling  tide ! 
Claudius  —  I  did !     I  did ! 
Ghost  —  [advancing]         Then  meet  your  fate ! 

Down,  down  to  H — alifax ! 
Queen  —  Just  wait ! 

[to  Ghost]  Hamlet! 
Ghost—  Hey? 

Queen —  Are  you  dead? 

Ghost—  lam! 

Queen —      You  ain't!     You  always  were  a  sham! 

It's  just  like  you  to  have  a  chance 
Of  quietly,  permanently  dying,  — 

And  then  refuse  what  fortune  grants, 
And  back  to  us  and  life  come  flying! 

This,  then,  explains  the  masquerade 

Our  friends  at  supper  so  dismayed. 
Horatio  —  Then  you  are  not  a  ghost,  I  take  it? 
Ghost  —       She  says  not. 

Horatio —  Good  for  you!  — There,  shake  it!     [Shakes  hands. 

Queen —      Well,  you've  come  back,  —  so,  for  the  rest  of  it, 

All  we  can  do  is  make  the  best  of  it. 
Ghost —       As  warm  a  welcome  as  I  looked  for!  — 

I  knew  full  well  what  I  was  booked  for. 


46 


"HAMLET." 


But  you,  my  son,  you  will  agree  to 
Welcome  your  pa? 


Hamlet — 
Horatio  — 

Chorus  — 


Ghost  — 

Horatio  — 
Queen  — 

Claudius  — 


Ghost — 


I  will. 


And  we  too. 


Queen  - 


Claudius  ■ 
Polonius  - 

Queen  — 


Air — "Pull  for  the  Shore." 

Hail  to  the  owner  of  Denmark's  throne,  — 

Come,  in  a  summer  suit,  to  claim  his  own. 

If  he  be  still  a  ghost,  or  his  true  self  of  yore, 

Give  our  king  three  hearty  cheers,  and  one  cheer  more ! 

\_Bepeat  the  chorus,  and  then  three  hearty  cheers . 

Well,  dai'ling,  what  are  we  to  do 
With  brother  Claudius? 

Put  him  through ! 
The  villain !  — We  cannot  too  far  go : 
We  banish  Claudius  to  Chicago ! 
0  gracious  sovereigu,  I  implore !  — 

All  other  punishments  I  dare : 
The  thumb-screw's  pain, — the  axe's  gore — 

Don't  send  me  there !  — not  there !  —  not  there ! 
That  punishment's  too  awfully  awful ! 
Vengeance  must  have  its  mighty  maw  full ! 
But,  no,  —  I  have  it !     I  presume, 
As  you  [to  Ghost]  have  come  so  near  your  doom, 
I'll  have  to  treat  you  somewhat  better. 
My  temper  I  don't  wish  to  fetter;  — 
So,  sir,  [to  Claudius]  I'll  keep  you  here  to  scold  at! 
A  fate  I  shudder  and  grow  cold  at.  — 
Better  Chicago ! 

May  it  please 
Your  most  imperial  majesties, 
Shall  I  remain  your  chamberlain, 
Or  go  to  Wittenburgh  again? 
Stay  here,  —  we  want  a  royal  bore ! 
Hamlet,  Ophelia,  —  take  the  floor ! 
You're  formally  engaged.     Let  kisses 
Express  how  great  your  mutual  bliss  is ! 


Air 


KlNLOCH." 


Hamlet  — 


I  love  thee,  my  darling!  my  darling!  my  darling! 
Hove  thee,  my  darling!  wilt  thou  be  mine? 


"HAMLET." 


47 


Ophelia —    I  yield  to  thee,  Hamlet,  —  dear  Hamlet!  dear  Hamlet! 
I  yield  to  thee,  Hamlet,  and  will  be  thine. 

Duet —  And  oh!  how  glad!  how  joyfully  glad ! 

To  see  an  honest,  affectionate  lad, 
In  love  with  a  lass  who  the  love  can  repay, 
And  answer  her  lover  a  faltering  yea ! 

Queen —      Well,  lads,  you've  served  your  queen  so  nicely, 
That,  when  our  gallant  troops  come  back, 
We'll  graduate  you,  —  all  in  a  pack,  — 
A.B.,  A.M.,D.D.,— 
Ghost  —  Precisely. 

Whatever  life  you  may  essay,  — 

Whatever  your  desires  or  wishes,  — 
Denmark  will  ne'er  forget  the  day 
You  swept  her  floor  and  washed  her  dishes ! 
Queen  —      And  now,  we'll — 
Voice  —  Hould !     Don't  go  too  free !  — 

What  do  ye  intind  to  do  for  me  ? 
Ghost —       For  you?    Why,  pay  you  your  per  diem.  [_Gives  money. 

Voice —       That's  not  the  kind  of  hair-pin  I  am! 


Air — "Year  of  Jubilo." 

Voice —  I've  a  soul  above  my  avocation, 

I  scorn  my  meagre  pay  ; 
The  which,  observe,  in  corroboration, 

I  thus  fling  far  away. 
Pray  do  not  deem  me  avaricious, 

( >r  meet  me  with  rebuke  ; 
I  frankly  avow  myself  ambitious,  — 

I  want  to  be  a  duke  ! 

Chorus —  We  will  not  think  it  strange, 

Or  meet  him  with  rebuke; 
He  frankly  avows  himself  ambitious, 
And  wants  to  be  a  duke !  [Bepeat. 

Voice —  I've  served  my  king  in  extremo  mortis, 

And  sung  him  back  to  life; 
You  must  all  concede  that  my  epiglottis 

Restored  him  to  his  wife. 
Then  do  not  deem  me  avaricious, 

Or  meet  me  with  rebuke; 
I  frankly  avow  myself  ambitious,  — 

I  want  to  be  a  duke  ! 

Chorus —  We  will  not  think  it  strange, 

Or  meet  him  with  rebuke; 
He  frankly  avows  himself  ambitious, 

And  wants  to  be  a  duke!  [Bepeat. 


48  "HAMLET." 

Hamlet —    This  seems  a  laudable  ambition. 
Ghost —       Haven't  we  some  custom-house  position? 
Queen —      We  have  degraded  Claudius; 
His  salary,  in  future,  draw! 
Hamlet,  your  sword!     Kneel,  sir:  [to  Voice]  We  thus 

Create  you  royal  brother-in-law ! 
And  now,  my  faithful  students,  roar  us* 
A  cheerful  culminating  chorus ! 

Air — "II  Bacio." 

Chorus  —      The  queen  gets  her  king  back 

From  the  ghostly,  mysterious  shades  of  the  dead ; 
While  Hamlet  and  Ophelia 

Won't  die,  but  will  happily  wed: 
For  we  jolly  students  so  helped  them  along, 
With  counsel  and  song,  they  couldn't  go  wrong;  and 

We've  turned  the  whole  play 

From  a  tragic  affray  to  a  comedy  gay — a  comedy  gay; 
And  the  queen  gets  her  king  back 

From  the  ghostly,  mysterious  shades  of  the  dead ; 
While  Hamlet  and  Ophelia 

Won't  die,  but  will  happily  wed. 
For  we  jolly  students  so  helped  them  along,  [With  dance. 

With  counsel  and  song,  they  couldn't  go  wrong;  and 

We've  turned  the  whole  play 

From  a  tragic  affray  to  a  comedy  gay — a  comedy  gay; 
And  the  queen  gets  her  king  back 

From  the  ghostly,  mysterious  shades  of  the  dead ; 
While  Hamlet  and  Ophelia 

Won't  die,  but  will  happily  wed. 

CURTAIN. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


*      :  ■  5 


tovtg; 


I* 


JUN  0  8  ?nos 


RECD  LD 


0CT1    '64-KM 


<si 


EivED 


NOV  1 3  '67  -10  PN 


LOAN  DEPT. 


:^; 


2 — 1977  5  6 


LD  21A-50i7!.-3,'62 
(C7097sl0)476B 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


M11953G 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


